you simply cant expect someone to repair you,
or at least care enough to try,
or even to talk about it,
or worse, to fake it.
but theres a few who will unconsciously do it, inspiring you to pick your shit up.
i thank you.

november grew from a gradient of shit to fine,
glad its almost over, im leaving it behind with no praise.
i fucked up things with a perfect someone in its early days,
went through a hell of a shit week due to that.
almost grabbed my shit and flew back home.
everything came down, i had no idea how little hold i had on myself.
everything
the baggage of my years of unbalanced reckless do it all, while not doing shit, caught up on me, dumping me inert on my bed.
sickly, she was the only thing holding me together and i had not even noticed.
never had I felt so low.

a mix of exercise, sun, friends, healthy eating and of course, less drinking, has partially picked me up.
im still ridden with anxiety and an unexplainable urge to see her,
im still putting all of me to get things back to where they were,
my day revolves around planning some subtle rendez vous, a surprise, or some eleborate thing she could love,
shes still everywhere i go.
but its over, shes over it and has turned cold on me.
it’s a little heartbreaking.

this end, has sent me on a frenzy to get my shit together .
got a job.
got healthy.
I actually feel good about my own stuff for a change in many years.
now, i want her to be there.
should have thought about that before.